The cast of Suburban Life

Across the Street John: barrel shaped jolly architect who usually wears contacts but may, if surprised at home, be caught in a pair of ludicrously large round glasses that make him look like Redmond O’Hanlon’s out of shape brother. Nice house. Child: one. Partner: Labcoat Jenny [entry needed].

Suburban Barbie: blond divorcee. Comes with two kids, an SUV and a deluxe selection of boyfriends.

Down on the Corner John: deep tanned fifty something guy with a roving-eyed Paul Newman look to him. Squishes up one side of his face as he talks in a way that probably has more to do with falling off the bar stool than a fishing accident with Papa, but hey. Occupies the big old place on the corner and is most often seen pruning his laburnum in a pair of white Bermuda shorts. No visible means of support, but is said to be some kind of stained glass artist type. Child: probably. Partner: unknown.

Hot Chick: works at the video store. Not that hot really, but she has great cheekbones and a bad attitude, which is pretty well as good as, no? Partner: Slacker Dude.

Next Door Joan: right next door, Joan’s a pleasant thirty-something lady who runs a building-supplies import business. She once knocked on my door at 8 in the morning to sell me a marble staircase, which was fine. We didn’t really have space for it (still don’t), and I had to decline. Child: one. Partner: VW Dan.

Next Door Neil: the man with the garbage disposal plan, Neil is our recycling weathervane. What Neil puts on the curb, we put on the curb within an hour. A pleasant man and a sociologist. This surprising combination has made me wonder. Next Door Neil is shortish and adorned with a scraggy beard which looks like he glues it on in the morning with his eyes closed. This may or may not draw derision from his students, and, combined with the a perpetually confused air makes me think he hasn’t quite come to grips with life on earth. Child: one. Partner: Next Door Sheryl [entry needed].

Pie Lady: looking a little like the Pillsbury Doughmother, the Pie Lady labors in a little shop with a big window down on the corner (the corner in the opposite direction from Down on the Corner John‘s corner).

Slacker Dude: works at the convenience store and the video store, where he spends his shift watching TV or working out on a PS2 respectively. Thirty-something. Affects black t-shirts and a constant three-day stubble. Says he likes cold weather. Once evinced the opinion that Iraq probably lacks an unwarzonelike atmosphere. Partner: Hot Chick.

VW Dan: VW Dan the Roving Man appears and disappears with the cycles of the moon, or perhaps the rhythms of some obscure employment. He drives a VW. He is Next Door Joan‘s man, and dandles her child with a confidence that suggests that she is the fruit of his loins. He is short but handsome, looking like a slightly underfed version of that crap actor who was in those silly movies…. the ones where DeNiro plays his fiance’s father. And he was in the Starsky and Hutch spoof but I can’t remember which one he was.