Why isn’t dog shit fluorescent orange? I thought dogs and humans were supposed to have evolved to live together in harmony over the millennia. If this were true, would dogs not have evolved shit that is not camouflaged against the lawn, such that first thing in the morning when you’re all bleary eyed and stumble with a coffee in one hand and a poo-bag in the other you could find it easily?

Or maybe dogs evolved lawn-coloured shit precisely to please our ancestors. Which leads me to wonder whether maybe our ancestors did not in fact prefer to ignore their problems, and didn’t mind getting sticky stinky feet once in a while.

Which leads to me to contemplate another of life’s little mysteries. The dog is supposed to be man’s best friend – these days I suppose “person’s best friend” or something like that. But what kind of friend wakes you up early on a Sunday morning and makes you watch them shit all over your lawn?